My cousin invited me to her wedding. I’m an atheist and my close family knows it but the cousin doesn’t. However, I’ll tell her if she asks. I’m going to go anyway but I feel uneasy about the ceremony. Entering the church isn’t a problem for me but should I attend the ceremony? I mean singing, praying, kneeling? Or it will be okay to find a corner inside and just watch – doing nothing and being silent? What would you do?
Posted: August 24th 2010
Eshu www
I’m fortunate in that I’ve never had to pretend to be religious. Hopefully you are in a similar situation.
As the excellent answers below suggest, a “live and let live” attitude should prevail. Personally I prefer to avoid all explicitly religious talking/singing/gestures that might suggest I’m a believer when I’m not. I feel that would be dishonest.
Perhaps try to find a seat that is part of the main congregation but slightly out of people’s way if they’re going to be getting up and going forwards – i.e. not on the aisle.
It’s good that you’re thinking ahead about how you’re going to respond politely if asked to join in. That way you won’t end up making flustered snap responses that you later regret (like I sometimes do).
Posted: August 31st 2010
Eric_PK
Weddings (and funerals) are different in that it is expected that people who are not of the faith are in attendence. It’s fine to find a spot where you are comfortable and to just observe.
Posted: August 31st 2010
logicel
For me, it would depend on the situation. If the church was crowded and full, I would prefer to stand off in a corner and be insulated from the ceremony.
If it was an intimate ceremony in a church, I would selectively participate (and I have done that in liberal Christian wedding ceremonies). If such selective participation could cause a problem for any of the wedding party, then I would inform them before the ceremony that I am an atheist.
However, if the wedding was Catholic, then all bets are off. I was forcibly raised as a Catholic, and I have no tolerance for their nonsense. Boycotting everything Catholic is usually the best approach for me personally, but especially now, with the Pope™ being above the law, it is even more so.
Posted: August 31st 2010
brian thomson www
I went to a Catholic wedding in Portugal about five years ago, not having thought about it too carefully in advance. The church was full, with reserved pews for family etc. I just squeezed myself on to a bench to the side of the church, as an observer, along with various kids and other hangers-on. The kids were playing in the aisles, running up and down, but without making much noise, and it was a generally neutral and pleasant experience. There was no pressure on me to take an active part in the proceedings.
Posted: August 31st 2010
Paula Kirby www
Nothing to add to SmartLX’s answer: by following those suggestions, you won’t be doing anything you feel uncomfortable with, but you won’t be distracting people’s attention away from where it should be either – which is firmly on your cousin and her husband. I hope you all have a great day!
Posted: August 31st 2010
SmartLX www
Just be there for your cousin. Nothing else is obligatory.
Sit in a pew with the others, stand when the others stand, sit back down when the others kneel, don’t pray, don’t sing if the song is a hymn, stay put when people go up for Communion if your cousin’s Catholic. That way you don’t betray your principles, but you don’t make a scene either.
If you stand somewhere special, or leave, or actively balk at some activity instead of quietly not doing it, the focus will very quickly shift onto you. That’s not what you want, or what your cousin wants, or anybody else. Just blend in and meh through it, and people won’t notice much.
Posted: August 31st 2010