Hi I am 14 years old. Most of my family are really religious christians, with me and a guardian in the home being the exception. I was raised christian without a choice but I became atheist because of the bible and because I fought and rebelled because I despised all the terrible things Christianity has done. Eventually I no longer had to attend religious church or church group things and that made me really happy. But every meal we eat together is “blessed” by a prayer and I have to sit through it and I feel it’s a few minutes of my life wasted. I used to stand there politely and wait, but parent saw I did have my arms folded or my eyes closed; I just was standing there quietly and calmly waiting for the prayer to be done. Parent got offended and told me and even my other guardian who is not religious got angry and told me I had to pray. I do not like conforming to an imaginary fictional jerk in the sky, it makes me extremely angry to have to pray and makes me feel weak because I have to uphold their belief that’s being pressed on me. I felt I was respectful by kindly waiting and not making sound or eating or getting food to eat, but I was told it’s disrespectful to their beliefs and is offensive if I don’t fold my arms and pray with them and it was offensive I didn’t respect their belief of prayer by praying. I told them that it offended me to make me have to pray to something I don’t believe in and to force beliefs like prayer on me [I don’t even tell them how ridiculous it is or how their religion is bull]
Is there a rational way I can tell them it is respectful for me to stand there while reverently while they bless food and pray and talk to God? Or that i shouldn’t have to be present every single prayer? [they wait for everyone].
In your opinion is it wrong to force me to fold arms and pray and not care that it offends me? What can I do? Am I forced to be offended by being forced to hear prayers everyday to something I find fictional and a complete waste of my time?
I sorta feel like I have to be the more mature one and conform but it makes me angry I have to respect a ridiculous belief forced on me just because they never had the thinking skills to see through it. I feel I get discrimination, not just there but at school too and from other Christians sometimes… I hate having to be nice whereas they will bash me [not all Christians though some are cool] but I hate having to respect religious and irrational childish assertions forced on me. Help?Posted: February 5th 2011
George Locke
I realize that you’re upset at being asked to do something contrary to your principles, but I recommend that you just let this one go. It’s just a few moments out of each day, and it doesn’t have to be a waste: as Reed points out, you can use this time for reflection.
Your parent has already made a big compromise in allowing you to abstain from church. With this in mind, it seems like it’s not so much to ask for you to go through these brief if meaningless rituals.
Parents have a duty to teach their children how to be moral, socially responsible adults, and that’s all your parents are trying to do. You or I might disagree with your parent’s/guardian’s values, but so long as you’re living under their roof, a certain amount of deference is called for. That doesn’t mean you have to obey their every command, but you should appreciate that they’re doing their best. You have to hold in your dissent sometimes — it will make your life easier, but that’s not the only reason to do it.
Posted: February 8th 2011
Eric_PK
It seems that you have a few options.
You could pretend to pray and learn to deal with the way that it makes you feel.
Or you could keep fighting your parents on this.
The sad truth of the situation is that, as a minor, your parents get to choose what you do, and you have 4-8 years (depending on whether you go to college on their dime or not) until you get to decide for yourself.
But even when you get to be an adult, there will still be things that you have to accept even if you don’t like them. There will be times you don’t like your job, and you will likely still have contact with your family. Learning how to deal with the aggravating things in life that you can’t change is a very useful thing to do.
My advice is to just do what your parents are asking you to do. It’s a few minutes a day, and you already got out of going to church.
Posted: February 8th 2011
Reed Braden www
I still have times where it is politically expedient to appear to be praying with a group. In those situations, I bow my head and close my eyes—the typical “prayer stance”—and I meditate. I block out the morons who are loudly bellowing for their creator to change his plans to suit their needs, and I think about one thing—usually some new principle of astronomy or cosmology that I recently read about.
While they’re groveling, use that time to explore your own mind. It’s a much more productive and relaxing use of those couple of minutes before a meal.
Posted: February 8th 2011
Paula Kirby www
Oh dear. It’s a common problem: religious families not accepting that one of their members does not share their religious beliefs. And it’s especially difficult because you’re still quite young, which means that you are not only totally dependent on your parents, but also that they may well think you’re not old enough to make your mind up on this question yet. It may possibly get a bit easier as you get older.
For what it’s worth, it sounds to me as if you’ve handled the situation very well and very sensibly: you haven’t done anything to interfere with their prayers, you have simply, quietly, non-confrontationally not taken part in them. It’s exactly what I would do in the same situation.
The issue, to my mind, is not that you feel offended by being expected to pray: offence is a bad line to argue from, as no one has the right not to be offended, and your parents are clearly offended by your non-participation too, so there’s offence on both sides and it doesn’t help to resolve anything.
To my mind the issue is honesty and integrity. Your parents know you don’t believe, and yet they are trying to force you to pretend you do. That is dishonest. They are staunch believers, so they must know there is a commandment against bearing false witness – lying, in other words. To pretend to pray when in fact you are not doing so would be to 'bear false witness’ to your beliefs and your very nature. It would make a mockery of their beliefs and their god. I think I would focus on this in your discussions with your parents. I think I would say something like, 'I know you’re upset that I don’t share your beliefs, but given that I don’t, don’t you think it’s better that I act honestly than that I am dishonest about it? If God does exist, do you really think he’d want me to lie, or to pretend to believe in him? Don’t you think he’d think I was making a mockery of him by pretending to pray when I’m not? I can’t pretend to pray with you, because that’s all it would be – pretence. I think that would be really disrespectful to you and to your beliefs, and that’s the last thing I want. I accept that you believe and that you want to pray, and by just standing quietly when you do that, I’m trying to respect your right to do that. But I can’t pretend to believe something I don’t: it’s just not honest.’
I don’t know whether that would work with your parents or not, but if it doesn’t, you might try asking them questions rather than trying to defend yourself. (I don’t mean in an accusing way: I mean genuinely trying to get them to examine why they feel as they do.) Ask them why they find it offensive that you don’t join in, and why they think it would be better for you to pretend to pray rather than to be honest about the fact that you’re not. Ask them whether they don’t think honesty matters? Whether they don’t think God, if he exists, would know the difference between a pretend-prayer and a real one. You could say something like, 'You’ve always brought me up to be honest, and that’s all I’m trying to be’.
Just try not to be aggressive or rude or sulky about it: I know it’s difficult when we feel we’re being treated unfairly. But it’s always easier for people to listen to us if we’re just stating our case calmly and, if possible, kindly. Personally I think it’s important to be honest to ourselves and not to do or say things we don’t believe, wherever possible; and I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable by simply wanting to stand quietly while the rest of your family pray. I actually think that’s a more respectful thing to do than to just go through the motions.
And if none of these suggestions work, is there any adult outside the family who might be able to have a quiet word on your behalf? The reality is that your parents are more likely to put you off religion even more by forcing it on you like this, and that, if they hope you might turn to religion again in future, they’d stand a better chance by easing up on you now. Even though you don’t think that’s a likely or a desirable outcome, it might make your parents stop and think if another adult suggested it to them.
Good luck. I really hope you manage to get your parents to accept your position.
Posted: February 8th 2011