I recently went to my father’s memorial service. My father was a pastor for many years, and his memorial was held in a church and was fairly religious.

The first thing to remember is that funerals and memorial services are really for the survivors, not for the person who has died. That means that everybody needs to make their own choices. Having said that, you also need to understand that not attending may have an impact on your relationship with others.

I went to my father’s service as a way to show respect for him and to provide support for his widow. I was respectful during the service and was quiet during prayers, but didn’t join in in the religious parts of the service. Basically, if others wanted to practice their religious beliefs, I tried not to be an obstacle.

This is very typical of funerals – you often see people with diverse religious beliefs. If you have specific questions about what will happen at a service, most pastors will be happy to explain and advise you.

Note that most funerals have receptions afterwards, and that is something you would probably feel bad about missing.

Posted: December 8th 2008

See all questions answered by Eric_PK

Go. The funeral is about the deceased, not God. Sometimes, a bad preacher will be asked to lead and he’ll turn it into a sermon instead of a memorial. When this happens to me I do several things:

• View the scripture verses as poetry. At secular weddings and funerals, people often read poetry. The Bible (at least, the sections that people read at weddings and funerals that are less law, more love) is just fictional poetry that some people erroneously believe to be true.
• Replace, “She’s in heaven now,” with, “She doesn’t feel any more pain.”

And now you can change any religious ceremony into a secular one.

However, I hope you don’t have to use any of this advice soon.

Posted: December 8th 2008

See all questions answered by Reed Braden

Religion is the least important aspect of a funeral. There’s always a funeral, the denomination of the deceased probably has dibs on it (unless you or the next of kin arrange a secular service) and that’s that.

The important things are providing emotional support for those most affected by the loss, and giving yourself a chance to say goodbye. Look at it this way: don’t let religion come between you and your friends and family, just when they might need you the most.

Keep in mind that you won’t likely be the only one in the congregation who doesn’t buy into the faith. You’re not giving the church money, you’re not helping them convert anybody, you’re just there for your own reasons. When it’s over, you can go right back to whatever you do to combat religion.

Posted: December 7th 2008

See all questions answered by SmartLX

What should you, an atheist, do at a religious funeral for a loved one? (I think that is the question.)

I was a closet atheist at the age of eighteen when my very religious mother died. Like I have done previously with all the forced religious rituals/demands of my Catholic upbringing, I focused on the positive aspects. The church was unusually beautiful — light dancing through the stained glass windows, gleaming dark wood pews, and flickering candles. I used the intoning of the priest’s gibberish as background noise for my own silent, poetic goodbye to my mother which included the appreciation of her life and her relationship with me. I had a secret, private funeral within a funeral. I also cried profusely. I did not regard myself as an hypocrite, but more like a prisoner of conscience.

Known atheists attending religious funerals are not hypocrites as they are not pretending to be religious. Nor does their attending mean they approve of religion or an instant conversion has taken place. In fact, I think that it is a good educational opportunity for religious believers to see atheists attending religious funerals for the purpose of mourning loved ones. Why should they be excluded? No reason at all. They can pay their respects, though their secular version may be silently conducted in the privacy of their own mind. After all, religious people are allowed to attend secular funerals.

If the loved one is not religious, then there is no problem in procuring a secular funeral nowadays. Funerals Without Gods by Jane Wynne Wilson is a good basic resource. Unitarian churches and local Humanist organizations are also excellent resources in planning a secular funeral. A recent secular funeral was one that was conducted for a childhood friend. One very personalized aspect was art created by her family (including her two teenage children) and her friends was placed on the coffin by each artist.

Posted: December 7th 2008

See all questions answered by logicel