My advice is to take a couple of friends, fly someplace, and get married. Sure, you’re parents will be disappointed that they couldn’t attend, but you’re supposed to be impulsive, and you can throw a nice party when you get back.

That will also help cement the “we decide what we do” approach, which will really help if you plan of having kids – my wife and I fought a few battles at that time.

Posted: October 12th 2009

See all questions answered by Eric_PK

I solved the problem simply: my fiancee and I, like so many others these days, are not having the ceremony in a church. That’s hardly unexpected unless you come from an extremely religious family.

As for the actual ceremony itself, I have a friend who got ordained online in the Universal Life Church a few years back for shits and giggles. He’s a good friend and will take the job seriously, so I asked him to perform the ceremony. This means that technically, we have a minister performing the ceremony, it isn’t some random person neither of us knows, and the ceremony will go how we want and not how some pastor wants.

Of course, if it comes down to it, and one of our more religious relatives asks point-blank “Why did you get married in a park with your friend presiding instead of in a church?” We have no problem telling them exactly why; we just don’t want to make a big deal of it if we don’t have to. You might find yourself in the same situation, and exactly how you respond is up to you.

Posted: October 12th 2009

See all questions answered by Akusai

When we got married I wanted to have a secular wedding. My wife is not religious and happy to go along with whatever caused fewest arguments. However, her mother was very keen on the church wedding – she’s somewhat religious and very headstrong.

I understand your “sickening” feeling. I felt quite strongly that I didn’t want any religion involved in our wedding, in fact I said this was the only aspect of our wedding I had a really strong opinion about. I’d be happy for others to choose the colours of the suits/bridesmaids dresses, etc.

Although I avoided a direct confrontation with my now MIL, the message I passed back through my diplomatic sister-in-law was: “If there’s ever a time when it is important to be honest, it is your wedding day. For me to pray and act like I believed in a god would be dishonest and make me feel very uncomfortable.”. I also asked how other people would feel if they were forced to marry in a mosque or synagogue. Not sure if that bit was passed on.

I was fortunate in that my MIL knew I was not religious, so my situation is somewhat different.

Another thing to consider is whether you and your fiancee will end up making more compromises to the religious families in future if you do not take a stand now? This may be more of an issue if you have children.

If you are financially independent from your parents it may be worth the risk of coming out as an atheist. If it was me I’d half-wuss out and not use the word atheist, but say something like, “It’s just that religion isn’t very important to us”, or “It would feel like a pretence to say those things.”

We got married in a castle which is now a hotel and in the end I think everybody was happy with it.

I hope you have a similarly happy occasion.

Posted: October 12th 2009

See all questions answered by Eshu

I’m getting married myself in three weeks. It’ll be a church wedding with all the bells and whistles. There’s no deception involved; both families and my Catholic fiancee know I’m an atheist.

She had always dreamed of getting married in a church, and I at least wanted a ceremony of some sort. So I will happily say prayers in a church during the ceremony, knowing that no one who knows me will think I take them seriously.

Even my fiancee won’t take them entirely seriously, because the church and the reverend aren’t in either family’s denomination. It’s just a good church for weddings. My point is, the religious aspect is the least important thing about the wedding, even for the religious people involved.

If you get married in City Hall, unless your parents are absolute fanatics they will probably be more upset at being deprived of the ceremony they’ve waited for all your life than the fact that you’re not getting married “in the eyes of God”. The religious aspect of marriage may not be important to you, your fiancee and some of your friends, but surely marriage itself is and you want to commemorate it somehow.

There are all sorts of compromises to consider. You could wed outside, or in a building that isn’t a church, with a celebrant (they’re secular by definition). You could wed outside with a priest. You can even wed with a celebrant in some very accommodating churches.

The options go right up to what I’m doing: a wedding in a church with clergy presiding, where I will be sincere about my promises to my future wife rather than my promises to God.

Our unopposed choice of a church with the wrong denomination demonstrates that nobody in either family actually gives a toss about doing right by religion, as long as the broad strokes are there. Everyone just wants the ceremony, and a chance to officially wish us well.

Congratulations on your engagement, by the way.

Posted: October 11th 2009

See all questions answered by SmartLX