Hi everyone.
I am 16 and I was raised a Christian. Unfortunately at the age of 12 I started to think logically about religion, and though I did not admit it yet to myself, you can effectively say that I gave up believing in some sort of deity at the age of 14, and when I turned 15 I could admit to myself I am an Atheist.
Of course with my parents being Christians I was sent to church and “Sunday schooling” – which is what we call it here – until I was 14. Then I managed to sweet talk my way out of it by saying how unorganized our church is, which was no lie, and they agreed to let me stop going to church and Sunday school. Since then I have been in church 3 times, only to see my sister singing in the choir.
Now they want to send me back to church so I could finish my Sunday schooling (sorry if my terminology is off, English is a second language for me), and get accepted when I hit 18, so that I can get married and have my children baptized and all that jazz.
Then in school we have a spiritual session in the assembly hall every Monday, which means I have to conform to everyone and sing and dance along to the crazy dancing Christian ladies.
Why do I do this? Because I’m afraid my friends won’t accept me. The only person whom I have told that I am an atheist, is my atheist-friend, who has openly admitted he is an atheist. Now when I see how my friends treat him and what they say of him behind his back, it just frightens me. I mean they practically all know that I’m an atheist, seeing as I haven’t attended church with them for a long time, and always am very cynical about the way “God” has made the world. But labeling myself an atheist might be what sets them off. Most of you raised as Christians probably know that they get indoctrinated against any other religion, especially the people who don’t have a religion, like myself.
So what must I do? Must I tell my parents? Must I tell my friends? Telling my parents would really crush them I know, but how do I do it if I must? I want to get married one day, and I’m prepared to let my wife, if she happens to be a Christian, raise my children the same way, and let them make their own decision like I did. Obviously there will be problems with having these children be baptized if I’m not accepted in the church or whatever you might call that silly ritual?
I really am sorry for bothering you and appreciate it if you have read up until here. I know many of you probably had the same problems. And no, I’m not just a rebellious teen. I really am into philosophical studies etc and have thought about if I’m ready to admit to myself that I’m an atheist for a long time. Could you please give me some advice? There really is no-one else I can talk to about this.
Posted: December 30th 2009
bitbutter www
I don’t think you should feel bad for choosing to keep your lack of belief to yourself for the time being.
I can imagine that this must be very frustrating though. As you probably noticed, the internet can be a great way to work out some of that frustration and come together with others who are in the same situation. You might find that it helps to share your thoughts through a blog, or carry out conversations via anonymously published videos on a social video site (you don’t have to show your face).
You already appreciate that the label 'atheist’ can trigger some nasty reactions in people, so if you do find yourself in a situation where you want to make your lack of belief known to someone, don’t feel obligated to use that word.
“I no longer find the evidence for God’s existence convincing” is less likely to be misunderstood than “I’m an atheist”, and you don’t need to make things harder for yourself than they already are.
Good luck.
Posted: January 2nd 2010
logicel
I agree with your astute observation that actually labeling yourself atheist would most likely set off a severe, negative reaction, much more than your present lackadaisical approach to Christianity. Julia Sweeney in her autobiographical monologue Letting Go of God emphasizes this point that family members can take in stride religious doubt, just as long as atheism is kept out of the equation.
One aspect of the Out Campaign sponsored by Richard Dawkins is that no one should be coerced to admit to their atheism publicly. No one, and that includes you.
I stayed in the atheist closet from age seven to age eighteen when I finally was able to leave my very religious family home. Those years in the closet were unpleasant and difficult because there was no World Wide Web by which I could discuss things with other atheists. I hope that your being able to do that will give you some comfort if you do decide not to broadcast your atheism.
You will decide how to come out when it is the best time for you to do so. As for your openly atheist friend, keep in mind, what worked for him may not work for you. He may have a different support network that allows him to be upfront regarding his atheism.
In addition, focus on doing well at school so you can become financially independent eventually. Though financial independence can’t necessarily give you a social network to replace the wholly Christian one upon which you are now reliant, it will pave the way in making a different style of life possible.
Posted: January 1st 2010
Dave Hitt www
You never have to tell anyone anything you don’t want to, especially if it something they’ll just to hurt you.
If you were 26 I’d say you should admit it when asked, but at 16 there’s nothing wrong with giving some ambiguous answer like “I’m still thinking about it” or “I’m not comfortable talking about my religious beliefs.” Technically, it’s not a religious belief, it’s a lack of one, but still, why case yourself unnecessary hassle?
Posted: December 31st 2009
Eric_PK
I don’t think there’s any reason that you are morally compelled to tell your parents or friends, and, in fact, there are some significant downsides to telling people if you are a minor.
And if you do tell them, you need to be prepared for the reaction that you get. Very few people make a study of religion, and they won’t accept your reasons.
I’m 45 and I’ve never told my mother – who is quite religious – that I’m an atheist. She does know that we don’t go to church, but I don’t see any benefit in telling her – it would just upset her and make our relationship worse.
Posted: December 31st 2009
Eshu www
I don’t think that you have to tell your parents and friends and officially come out as an atheist. At least not yet; there’s plenty of time.
Also, at 16 you’re probably quite dependent on your parents and your community and will continue to be so for some time. I can certainly understand that you may prefer to keep quiet and keep your beliefs to yourself, even if that means enduring silly dancing and Sunday School lectures.
Some people may say that it’s important for atheists to stand up and be counted and that doing so may give the courage to others who also have doubts, but are too afraid to say so. Others may say that it’s important to be honest about who you are.
In my opinion, those ideas should be weighed carefully against the diplomatic effect of admitting your atheism. If you’re anything like I was aged 16, then you probably don’t realise how important your family are. If you think “coming out” as an atheist would create a massive rift or cause them to give you a really hard time, then I’d advise that you wait.
If/when you do decide that being openly atheist is right for you, then I suggest you do so carefully and in a way that is sensitive to your parents’ feelings and fears. I know it’s not fair and you should be free to be open about your beliefs, but the religious sometimes have a hard time accepting that, so it’s often better to humour them in the short term.
My advice is to try very hard to avoid getting into a long argument about the non-existence of god(s) with your family! I’m sure you’ve read enough to argue your position very well, but doing so will only make it harder for them to accept your non-belief. (I’ve lost friends by arguing about this too much). If they ask why you don’t believe try to keep it really simple and straightforward. Perhaps say, “It all seems quite far-fetched and unlikely” or “I just don’t believe that’s true”. Contrary to what they may feel, you don’t have to prove that there’s no god, just as they don’t have to prove there’s no Zeus, Odin or Quetzalcoatl!
Make sure everything you say about your atheism has an undertone of “live and let live”.
It sounds like you’re already at the first stage which is showing that you’re not interested in going to church, etc. Next you could admit that you “don’t believe that”, which is perhaps not as dramatic as calling yourself an atheist. I don’t think there’s any need to rush this, just keep reading and keep believing only what makes sense to you.
When you get older and need to make decisions about getting married or how children are raised, you should be in a position to be more free and honest about what you believe.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck. I’d love to hear how it goes.
Posted: December 31st 2009