I am an English teenager, and I’m worried about my friend. She has been raised as a deeply religious Christian. She has been recently been baptised, and ever since it happened, her faith seems to be restricting her choices in life. When I first met her, she seemed open to other peoples’ views on religion, but now she has absolutely no doubt God exists. She refuses to listen to my point of view, and has even tried to force me to get baptised, to 'save me from the devil’. It is getting quite scary. What should I do about her trying to force her beliefs on me? I’m not sure if anyone can answer this, as it sounds like an Agony Aunt letter, but it’s worth a try.
Posted: January 13th 2010
Eshu www
This sounds like a deeply frustrating situation, and I sympathise.
I hope you two can find a way to get along and live and let live in spite of the religious differences. Sounds like that may be difficult, however.
If you’re keen to stay friends, my approach would be to try to avoid religious discussion entirely. Try to focus on the things you do share (although I guess some of those may be taken away by her beliefs recently). I don’t think there’s any point in trying to debate her beliefs with her, as she’s not listening.
If you can manage it, the best thing to do may be to simply be a good, moral non-believer. Not necessarily arguing for atheism the whole time (everyone hates being preached at!), just being honest and accepting of others. Someone who disagrees with her, but is willing to be friends anyway. The fact that there are decent, happy, ordinary non-believers out there can often help Christians realise that theirs is not the only valid world view. (I wish it was harder for groups of people to shut themselves away from the rest of the world. Doing so makes it easier for them to maintain irrational beliefs).
If you haven’t already, you should make clear that you feel put-upon and that you don’t like being preached at by her all the time. Maybe ask how she’d feel having a Muslim or Jehovah’s Witness telling her how to live her life. Ask if she thinks people should have the freedom to decide their own beliefs.
If she can’t understand how you feel and stop preaching at you, then you’d be quite reasonable to avoid her company, painful though that may be for you. With luck she may grow out of it.
Posted: January 14th 2010
logicel
She refuses to listen to my point of view, and has even tried to force me to get baptised, to 'save me from the devil’. It is getting quite scary.
_____
If a relationship is frightening then that aspect needs not to be glossed over. If you felt scared in another relationship, would you rationalize the fear away because that person had a good job or grades? Religious beliefs, no matter how outrageous, often get undeserved respect and consideration.
Since your friend is no longer interested in a give-and-take discussion, and she seems unable not to filter everything through religion, I would recommend instead of your trying to stop her from forcing your beliefs on you, to spend your precious time being involved with people who do take your responses seriously.
No need to be cruel or nasty. Just say that the relationship is no longer appealing to you because of her focus on irrational aspects like her insisting on saving you from the devil. You can point out that perhaps down the road, she will leave her pushiness behind (she certainly can remain being a Christian just not a rude and meddling one) and you two can resume a relationship. You can mention the aspects of your relationship that you have enjoyed and will miss. People will not/can’t respect limits if you do not make them known.
I am sad to hear that you are worrying about your friend, but really there is nothing you can do except focus on and clearly express your own needs and priorities.
Posted: January 14th 2010
George Locke
Apparently, she’s not interested in debating the issue. For her, the matter is settled, so trying to convince her to change her mind is wasted effort. It’s probably best to avoid the subject of religion. Whenever she brings it up, just say you don’t want to talk about it. You’ve heard her position, and you don’t agree.
The way I respond to my religious friends is to explore their faith. I treat it with respectful interest. What passages in the Bible does she respond to? Has she heard any good sermons recently? What is it like to feel God guiding your life?
How you proceed depends on the extent to which her faith is interfering in your relationship. If it’s a repeated annoyance, then it’s probably something you can deal with. If it becomes more than that, then you have to consider the possibility that she is no longer able to be a friend to you.
Your first priority is to defuse the “convert the heathens” dynamic. Until you do this, any relationship with her will be impossible.
Keep in mind that we’re not counselors here or anything. If she has other friends who share your grief, they’re surely in a better position to help you.
Posted: January 14th 2010