My husband just told me tonight that I’m negative and angry. My 5yr old daughter was crying tonight because her cousin told her “you have to believe in God to get to a special land after you die”. My daughter was really upset and she now wants to go to this special place. I told my husband that I was p’ed off, but I didn’t mean at the little cousin, but at religious views. I think it’s terrible to teach a child they have to believe in someone to go somewhere special. I feel angry that I’m constantly put in situations where my daughters are expected to pray openly with everyone. I feel like a minority, and I’m trying to raise my children to think independently and not just follow what their friends or other adults are telling them to believe. My daughter was upset, and I told her “if there is a God, we will all go to him, not just believers”. I don’t know when to talk to her about my atheistic views, or even if I should. I try to give her reasonable and logical explanations, but feel like a bad parent. My husband thinks without religion our kids are going to be ostracized. He also thinks religion is necessary to be successful, because most of the world is religious.
Posted: May 24th 2010
Mike the Infidel www
“My husband thinks without religion our kids are going to be ostracized. He also thinks religion is necessary to be successful, because most of the world is religious.”
This is not your children’s fault. This sort of argument is the same as saying that a gay child should be forced to become straight because most people are straight and straight people are going to ostracize them.
I think you were being absolutely positive. Your approach to raising your kids deserves to be commended, not discouraged.
Posted: June 8th 2010
logicel
Lack of god belief does not define negativity nor does god belief define positivity. You could of course happen not to have god belief and still be a person who is negative. However, from your vignette, you seem POSITIVELY concerned about the negative effects religious belief is having on your daughter.
When having difficulties in any situation, it is useful to focus on what you and your husband do well. For example, think of a recent quarrel that you and your husband resolved, focusing on how you two did that and use that basic approach to handle this situation.
Your daughter may wind up in a very secular society (I did, in France), where there is no need whatsoever to pussy foot around the religious. It is important to give her skills that will be flexible and useful enough that she can handle herself in most situations. And to set up a religiously imbued one as the only in which she will need to function is ridiculous as your husband does not have a crystal ball.
If your effort to give your children reasonable and logical explanations make you feel like a bad parent, then something is critically wrong as that is an excellent basis to feel satisfied in your parenting. I have no idea what that may be (other than your pointing out that you are a minority in your lack of god belief), but I did want to point out the obvious.
You may want to seek out support in some way, via professional counseling, finding others in your area that also give logical and reasonable explanations, and/or on the Web.
Please use this website as a resource—ask as many questions as you like.
Bon courage!
Posted: May 27th 2010
SmartLX www
One thing at a time.
- You are angry, and for good reason. Your daughter’s been upset by something you don’t think is even true.
- When something like this happens, what else should you be but negative? The alternative is to accept the awful thing. Of course this doesn’t mean you have to be angry and confrontational around your daughter, and neither does your husband.
- Obviously you have a religious family (or in-laws) if she’s regularly expected to pray in public. Therefore you probably are in the minority as an atheist, and the children may well be ostracised if they disbelieve openly. That still doesn’t mean you should be steamrolled by the believers.
- Your 5 year old may have been spared the worst thus far. If you think she found the idea of being shut out of Heaven upsetting, wait until someone tells her about Hell. It’s this unnecessary fear and trauma inflicted by religious indoctrination that many atheists see as a form of child abuse.
- Religiosity may be highly valued wherever you are, but it’s not a prerequisite for success everywhere else. Here, have a list of successful or at least famous atheists and agnostics.
Your husband does apparently have the kids’ best interests at heart. It sounds like whether they actually believe is less important to him than how they actually get on in life, which really ought to be true.
In that spirit, if you allowed the prayers and things as simple ritual and tradition for the sake of unity, you wouldn’t be the first mother to do so. The girls could be in on it to some extent, for example: “Grandma’s been saying this stuff for a very long time now, so whether you mean it or not it’s very important to Grandma that you say it too, okay?”
To reassure your 5 year old about the entry conditions of the “special place”, I recommend a quick lesson in comparative religion. Compare the church’s “special place” with the Hindu “special place”, the Muslim “special place” and the Buddhist concept of reincarnation, and then make the point that they all have contrary demands on the living. Finally, float the idea that Earth is already a pretty special place, full of things to do and people we love.
You’re in a tough position, one I will probably be in when my wife and I have kids. I haven’t had a problem with giving a certain amount of lip-service to religion so far, for instance at my wedding, while making no secret of my disbelief otherwise. I’ll eventually try extending that to my family life and see how I go. It worked for not only my father but my wife’s father, resulting in varied beliefs among our siblings. That’s probably as it should be.
Posted: May 25th 2010