My husband and I are going through a lot of medical issues right now and I am in a lot of physical and emotional pain. I reached out to my in-laws, who are devout Christians and aware that we are Atheists, for help, love, and support, which we have given to them many times in many ways in the past. Our relationship has been great up until this point. I asked for this in a respectful way, and was taking a risk by really letting them into our lives, but now, not only have they not given that support, instead choosing to be strangely distant, but their only communication with us has to been to let us know that they are praying for us, when I have already told them that I am choosing to not focus on our ideological differences.
At the same time, I want to define myself separately from them, and I want to be a loving person, but how do I continue to give love to a relationship that is so shockingly disappointing? How do you continue to love and give to people who choose to be selfish and focus on themselves when you are clearly in need of their love and support?
Posted: June 12th 2010
logicel
Your in-laws are unable to give you what you need. Especially when you are suffering as you are, you don’t have the energy to try to get them to give you what you need. The least of your worries is showing/feeling love to them. Focus instead on your well being. If they are truly unable to do anything else except pray for you, such a useless and arrogant stance, no matter how much they think they are doing it for your own good, enough is enough.
It is shocking to find out how immobile and rigid religious believers are when you need them to support you. They really don’t have very good coping skills. They are probably praying for themselves, in the sense, that praying calms them down when reality gets too much for them.
There is no need to get sharp/nasty/hateful, just focus on getting what you need and not wasting your time being nice or kind to people who basically are doing nothing to deserve that treatment from you. Your love is precious and needs to be given to people who deserve it.
Your not showing love to everybody does not mean you are not a loving person.
I hope you get better soon.
Posted: July 6th 2010
SmartLX www
By remembering that they’re only human and that they don’t see the situation the way you do.
If they’re really devout, then they’re doing exactly what they think will ultimately benefit you the most. That should mean something, if intention is worth anything to you. Think of it this way: if you did the same for them, they’d be grateful. Provided they’re truly sincere, they really are trying to help.
Perhaps putting ideological differences aside isn’t the best approach here, since they’re already treating you like another Christian who wants the prayers of her loved ones. Maybe they actually need to be reminded how you’re different.
Suppose you told them, “We’re atheists, and while we appreciate that you’re thinking of us and want to pray for us, we need earthly support as well or it all amounts to little. We need your physical presence, your practical assistance and your company, such as we’ve given to you. These are the things that will make a positive difference to our lives that we will see and feel. That’s what we need right now.”
If they knocked you back after this, it really would be selfish of them. Even if so, it’s still possible (though not easy) to love them for who they are, not what they do.
Posted: July 5th 2010