My partner and I have been foster parents to two of his younger brothers for four years. While I will probably never be a kissy-kissy super cuddly mommy, I’m always trying to create a home environment that is supportive and loving, and take decisions that will help them have a better future.
One of these decisions was to share our view on religion and God with them. We are atheists and we think sharing our stance on atheism has helped feel less cheated and betrayed by the world because of the circumstances they faced before coming to live with us. Our oldest child often asked why did God allow so many bad things to be done to him and his siblings, and if he had done something to deserve such treatment. So the simplest, most honest answer we could provide is that there is no God and he should not feel judged or devalued because of the unfortunate situations that came his way. It has worked perfectly and we are proud to see the kids use reason before superstition confidently.
A few days ago, after a horrible ordeal of foster homes, abuse and abandonment, the other two young children came to us and we are their foster parents too. They are 4 and 7 years old. Before coming to us, they were in a Christian Evangelical home that did not waste any time indoctrinating them. I am amazed at how much fear and uncertainty children can collect by having just a bit of religion in their lives.
They are very anxious and somewhat judgmental around us. The 7 year old took it upon himself to inform us that his brother and I are living in sin because we are not married. They complain that we do not say grace, go to church and we are not living in the grace of God. I decided this has gone very far when the littlest one told me that she was afraid her soul was going to be condemned. What kind of talk is that for someone so young? She is too little to understand the meaning of these words, she is just reflecting the fear that has been imposed on her.
We are not going to start praying and certainly, we are not going to get married just so the kids can have peace of mind. A Christian lifestyle is out of the question. It would be contradictory to everything the older children have learned and are comfortable with, plus it would be a confirmation to the little ones that there is in fact something to be afraid of.
However, they are young and they have only been here for a few days. We don’t want to frighten them and take away the identities that have been built for them for years. We want to get through the bottom of this gently and perhaps telling them “there is no God, everything that happened in that other foster home is whacked” is not the best way to start.
We are unsure of how to talk to children this little about reason and logic. I am not very “good” with children yet. However, we do love them and want them to have the best life possible. We do want them to stay with us for good. So, where do we start? should we pray with them for a bit and then start laying it off? or cut out religion cold turkey? What elements should we let them embrace and which ones should we work to eliminating first? Hell and damnation have to go soon but telling them there is no hell is not enough. The 7 year old says we are testing him. That is so insane we don’t know how to approach it.
Any insight on the situation will be greatly appreciated!
Posted: June 20th 2010
Eric_PK
First off, I think you need to respect that they have certain beliefs now. I think it would be useful to get all the kids together with you, to preface it by saying that different people have different religious beliefs and then go around to all of them (you included) and just say a little about what you believe. That way you can get across the message that you respect their beliefs but they need to respect your beliefs as well. At this point their lives have undergone extreme upheaval, and they need any anchor they can get.
Second, I think an understanding of religions is a great way to innoculate kids against religion. I’d start with the greek and roman gods, find a few stories and just talk about them. Then pick some other make-believe stories, talk about them and enjoy them, but make a point that they aren’t real. And talk about science – especially the stories about how things were figured out.
Posted: July 8th 2010
SmartLX www
I think one important distinction to make is that you should be tolerant, but not join in. For instance, allow the kids to pray if they want to you’ve got the right idea not praying yourself. If you pray now, the little girl especially may not believe you when you later say you don’t believe in God, or else may feel tricked or betrayed.
A principle I think you’ll find useful is that religions don’t mix well with other religions. Some exposure to non-Christian faiths and especially non-Christian worshipping practices may help to convey the idea that what someone fervently believes may not be true, and all religions can’t be right. There’s a reason most evangelical families shield their children from this exposure to some degree, even to the extent of homeschooling them. See what’s going on in your area, whether there’s a mosque or synagogue or just some happy Hare Krishnas on the street. Mind you, if you take the kids to watch others worship try to find services in English or it may all seem too alien.
Finally, a question I think will be invaluable to you is, “How do you know that?” This leads to important follow-up questions like, “If so-and-so told you that, how do they know it?” and, “How do you know the Bible is right about that?” Rather than declare the evangelicals wrong on your own authority, get the kids involved in making the decision. You have the option to examine with them any piece of doctrine they throw at you in this Socratic fashion.
The Jesuits used to say, “Show me the boy at seven, and I will show you the man.” Well, you’ve got this boy at seven and this girl even younger, so according to conventional wisdom you are in time to stop whatever indoctrination has occurred from taking hold permanently. Every day spent with a child is important, though, so make each one count.
Posted: July 6th 2010
logicel
Have you discussed this with the foster family authorities? There should be professionals employed there that can give you guidance and support.
You are on the right track, being concerned about handling this demanding situation. Take each day as it comes. Try to fit in as much fun, encouragement, and acceptance of their beliefs for themselves as is possible. You will get better at juggling this rather taxing situation! Your motivation is excellent and should hold you steady while navigating this bumpy voyage you are on with these wonderful kids. And how great that they are with you two. Healing damage takes time.
For praying, you can say, that you know their religious beliefs stress honesty and you are only being honest that you have no god belief, and therefore it would be a fake gesture on your part to pray with them. However, you let them know that you respect and support their right to pray. Stress that you are there for them to discuss anything, that they can tell you whatever and you will be patient, loving, and will seek assistance if necessary to help them be happy and secure.
You can emphasize the loving aspects of Christianity. You can explain that many Christian sects exist, and that some of them are very careful not to frighten children and which also support loving couples despite them not being married.
Posted: July 5th 2010